My 5am Prayer

This prayer I wrote in 2004 when I was struggling with my temptation.  I have rewritten it today as an anthem of where I want to go from here, and my prayer to God to get there now. Let this be the dawn of a new day.

What a horrible, miserable, terrible wretch I am.  When I read the gospels, watch movies about Christ, who do I relate to?  Thomas’s doubt.   Peter’s denial.  Judas’ Betrayal.  Why must I feel so totally like Paul when he speaks of that which he does not want to do, that he does (Romans 8), and that which he wants to do, he cannot do.  This describes every day of my life.
My desire for food is offensive.  Jesus said that if your right eye offends you, pluck it out.  How much I would do harm to myself physically if I could solve this? I can’t believe my desire to do myself harm.
I honestly would rather be blind or maimed, but be CHRIST’S; rather than be whole and bound for hell.  But I know that physical mutilation is not the answer – it wouldn’t work.  I know that I desire the taste of food, but if I ripped out my tongue, or stripped off my taste buds, then it would be the smell of food that caused me to sin.  If I stripped my face of my nose as well, then it would be the beautiful site of food that would lead me into temptation.  If I would blind myself, too, then I would desire the warm feeling of chewing, and the sensuous feeling of swallowing.
No, nothing that I can DO will stop my sin.  How much am I like the seed that fell on the side of the road?  When I first heard this word, I sprouted up quickly and lost 11 lbs, but now I have already gained back 5 and I see no end in sight.  I could see that the scale would continue to climb.
I desire so much for someone/ something to take this desire away from me.  I am willing if it would work to have my stomach stapled, to have gastric by-pass, to be hypnotized.  But I’m not stupid.  I know that no man-made method will ever take away my temptation, my desire to sin.
So I turn to religion.  I read several chapters of the Bible daily, I read devotionals, I watch biblical dramas, listen to teaching tapes, and yet I still lose my focus and still desire to sin.  I want to cry out for help, but to who?  I look for some PERSON to help me.  I want to email someone who might feel as I do and ask: what do I do?
Then I realize that my faith is misplaced.  IT is not in God, not in my Savior Jesus, not in my Jehovah Rapha.  It is in man, in some teacher and his/her writings and other works that I am looking for some way to change myself.  But where is God?  Where is Jesus?  Where do I look for them?  In a book? A video? 
I need to pray that Jesus will take this from me.  Focus UPON Him.  Remember Him, and have Him guide me in every aspect of my life, in every decision and PRAY SOME MORE! Pray without ceasing.  Don’t give up, don’t let Him deny my request.  Beg Him to change His mind, like the Canaanite woman on the road who wouldn’t take no for an answer, beg Him for the crumbs.  I am a dog, I would be more than happy to lick His boots in order to receive a pat on the head and a kind word.
If I might occupy some remote corner of Heaven, the place farthest away from the Lord, but know that I have His approval - that would be huge achievement.  I wouldn’t be able to achieve it, much less deserve it. Who am I Lord that you would even breathe life into me?  Who am I that you would even take notice of my hair, much less know how many hairs I have?  I don’t even deserve your consideration Lord, but I know that you are generous.  You give what is not deserved, pay what is not earned.  SO I am begging you Lord, trusting in your generosity.  Please, Please, Please take this desire from me.

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