The Source

Weigh In Wednesday – Start: 266 Last Week: 254 This Week: 255

So I gained a pound.  Overall this week, I’ve been stressed, but I didn’t get into stress eating.  I’ve been not unfaithful, but half-hearted.  I’ve said before that God does not reward half-hearted faith, and here I am: evidence of that fact.

I have been having a bout with depression this week.  Some of it I can blame on the miscarriage I had earlier this year, just like I can blame some of this extra weight that I’m carrying as a part of the fact that I was so recently pregnant.  But the thing that I most need to realize is that I cannot truly blame anything or anyone more than pointing the finger at myself.

I’m the one that let my focus slip off of Jesus and started looking at the tangible ground.  I am the one who listened to Satan’s suggestion that I think about the past, and lament for my future.  You see, I was honestly born to be a mother.  I know it in my heart, and it comes so naturally to me.  My son is 11 years old, and so far I have no regrets in my parenting. I’ve not reached those crucial teen years yet, but I hope that the relationship that I’ve developed with my son will stand firm.

I didn’t want an only child.  I wanted a few children, two or three, spaced out about five years or so apart.  We ended up waiting ten.  And when we were finally pregnant last fall, I was elated.  Then when we miscarried in March, I was floored.  I still mourn the loss. 

So I know that I’ve opened this foothold for Satan.  I’ve been depressed all week because I’m not pregnant.  I’ve been berating myself for my past loss, and Satan has been whispering in my ear about how I’ll never get the chance to mother another child.  So I’ve been worrying about tomorrow.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.( Matthew 6:34)

The source of my depression has been in my worry.  My faith has been wavering over this one point, and it has affected every other point in my life.  I have been making wrong choices today, in my daily walk, because I have been letting myself become focused on a negative future: One that may never come to fruition.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life, or a single cubit to his height? (Matthew 6:27)

Will my worrying make me pregnant, or change God’s mind about whether I will have another child?  What am I doing with this self-focus?  Don’t I trust Him?  Don’t I believe that He will always do what’s best for me?

I can really relate to the barren women of the bible who wanted children –and I keep forgetting that God has already blessed me with one.  Why am I so selfish and self-centered?  Ugh.

So Satan foretells a barren future.  I believe him and become selfish.  Then I berate myself for my self-centeredness.  And so goes my cycle of depression.  I thank God for this blog, because it helps me to at least be reminded once per day while I’m writing where my focus should be.  And remembering God helps me to think about what He is already doing in my life.

God gives us grace for today.  He tells us to trust Him about the rest.  He tells us to believe Him for the best.  So get thee behind me, Satan.  Today I commit to God, and stop worrying about anything else.